Last week I read a blog entry written by a woman in which she describes the various types of men you're likely to meet on a golf course.
1- The daddy: Older men usually love my presence and take me under their wing. They act like surrogate dads and are really nice to me, even nicer when they see that I can play. I love it :)
2- The flirt: Ohhh, a woman... Maybe she'll want to have sex with me? I get the phone numbers of the bravests and the others merely flirt with me during the round. They're usually harmless and sweet, but can sometimes be a bit agressive and become a hassle (when you're stuck with someone who's hitting on you for 5 hours and you're not interested, it can be a bit long...)
3- The couple: Now the guy could fall into the flirt category, but wife is right beside him. So he has to be nice to me while at the same time making sure not to be too nice to me... This guy should never, ever compliment me too much in front of his wife, especially, as it's often the case, if I play better than her. I remember one who had the nerve to tell his wife: "Do like Sylvie does, honey". Oh boy... Poor guy :)
4- The macho: Now that's the type of man I can't stand. It's the type of guy who might start by barely noticing my presence and making sure only to talk to his buddies. Then he might act frustrated and humiliated when I'm playing better than him. He might make me feel that I shouldn't be there and that he's annoyed to see a woman on the course. These guys are rare. But believe me, when I get paired with one of them, it makes for the longest 5 hours...
5- The nice guy: Now that's the majority and they're the reason why I still play on my own, because most often I meet really nice people :)
I'll add these kinds of golfers.
1) The guy who's only golfing because it's the one place he knows his wife or girlfriend won't be. Outside of my brother this is the kind I play golf with most. It's the single biggest reason I'm happy that I'm single. If you think I'm kidding, really, I'm not. If it's golf or the love of a good woman, I'm sorry, but I'm hitting the links.
2) The guy who is only in it for the beer. He wants to get drunk and doing it in the sun is more fun than doing it indoors at a bar.
3) The guy who absolutely sucks, owns dogshit Wal-Mart clubs and is really only there because golf makes him feel better about himself than he actually deserves. He might enjoy bowling or softball more, but golf puts him out there with people that wear shirts with sleeves to work every day. He's probably wearing jeans.
These guys can be serious pains in the ass because they don't know shit about golf etiquette. I don't have problem with shitty golfers. If you suck, the best way to learn is probably on the course. But if you're terrible, observe these simple rules:
- Let the people behind play through. Even if they aren't on your ass, wait at the next tee box for the people behind you to catch up and let them hit. Who knows. Maybe you see what they're doing well and you learn something.
- Go easy on the practice swings Chief. Whether you take one or five you're still hitting a shitty shot.
- Continuous play. Observe it. Even the good players don't observe the "whomever's furthest away hits" rule most occasions. If you're at your ball and are ready to hit, give it a rip.
- You don't have to walk or drive next to your partners. Few things bug me more than watching groups of people drive up to each other's shots instead of going right to their own.
- If the beer lady comes around and you flag her down, you better motherfucking let the group behind play through.
- Don't spend 10 minutes looking for a lost ball if you have people a hole behind you. Don't worry about it, they aren't gold fucking nuggets
- If you're bringing a kid along, don't let them hit balls unless no one's behind you. I think it's awesome when parents bring their little ones out there to hit balls. Just don't do it if it means holding up everyone else.
- Don't argue or make a scene when you think you know golf etiquette when you don't. I'm really only making this rule because of something Ben and I experienced earlier in the summer. We were behind a couple sleeveless, jean wearing fucks that were putting their way up Mill Run and holding everyone up. When we got to a short par four Ben and I literally watched them hit their drives from the box and they wouldn't let us play through.
When they got to the green I hit my drive. Dead center, a good 315 yards. It was still 40 yards from the green but the twosome ahead of us stopped what they we doing and stared at me for a good minute.
I couldn't believe it. It was surreal. Not only were they playing terribly, playing slow and not letting us go through, but now they felt either threatened and/or insulted.
Look, it's a 350 yard PAR-FUCKING-FOUR. Anyone would hit their drive if they were in my spot.
So I'm sort of laughing, not believing what I'm witnessing. I tell Ben to go ahead and hit (they're still staring at us from the green). He does and it goes right down the middle, nearly as far as mine.
They raise their arms as if to say, "What the fuck?!?" and continue to glare. Hell, not only do they glare, but they fuck around on the green for a good five minutes while Ben and I walk up the fairway to our drives. We stop about halfway and just watch. We don't get any closer because, frankly, one of them looks like Hulk Hogan and I'm positive he could kill us both.
In the meantime a group behind us has caught up and they're on the box, so now the two fucks in front of us are holding up a few groups. I go back to the group behind us and explain what happened and even they can't believe what happened.
Eventually they get the hint and move on. Ben and I finish the hole and skip three holes to play 17, 18 and 19 coming back. No need to get into a conversation with a guy that looked as if he wanted to kill me.
But the point of this example is this: if you suck, realize it. Know that there are people on the course that are better and faster. If you don't let people play through, you not only hold up that group but everyone behind them. You could be holding up people for what amounts to hours, and I'm not even exaggerating.
4) The tenured member. I'm related to a couple of these. They're easy to locate. For one, they tend to be old(er). Usually 45+. They always wear their shirts tucked in. They never walk.
The defining characteristic? They NEVER let people play through. If you're on their asses, you're either cheating or playing too fast and damn it all if you're just gonna have to slow down or wait. They've been playing this game for too long and paid too much money to experience the indignity of letting some kid play through.
It's these fucks that I can't stand. Ignorance, like in the example above, I get. They just don't know any better.
But if you're an avid golfer and you still don't let people play through it's inexcusable. You're basically giving the rest of the course a big Fuck You and costing people their time and rounds.
This gets into another issue. If you're rushed or having to wait, your round is likely to suffer. Today is a prime example.
I went to hit nine holes after the Packer game and it started great. Greened a par 4 first hole and birdied. Next hole was a par three that I always bogey, but I knocked one stiff and got out with a par. So now I'm -1 after two quick holes and I'm thinking about having one of my better rounds of the summer.
Unfortunately, I got behind two guys that sucked, played slow and wouldn't let me go through. I waited on 3, 4, 5 and 6 and my game suffered. They let me play through and I finished with three pars.
Golf is such a mental game. If you're pissed or nervous or upset or whatever...you won't be playing well. But if you can focus on your game and don't worry about everything else, you might have the chance to put up a good score. It's bullshit like the stuff above that absolutely ruins a good time and turn a goal of playing well into a, "eh, fuck it" kind of round.
No comments:
Post a Comment